This past Wednesday, I began feeling some minor common cold symptoms, and I brushed it off. Over the next few days, I got developed a full blown cold, but, for the most part, I’m a trooper when it comes to getting sick. I believe that getting sick (as in the everyday common cold kind of sick) is 75% a mental game; The more you focus on being sick, the more sick you will feel.

So besides feeling a little gross, I was feelin A-OK. Nevertheless, I decided to smush the bug this weekend by isolating myself for some much needed rest. I was super excited to get in bed, watch some tv, and drink some good-ole chicken noodle soup. I got all amped up for my sickness-solo-party, but after I finished an episode of It’s Always Sunny and a bowl soup, I was stuck by unbearable boredom. Like what the heck?? I couldn’t do normal fun things like play uke or dance or read, because my body just really wasn’t having it. I couldn’t even sleep, because I was so jittery. Needless to say, I was bored as heck.

This was supposed to be a great night, but all I really wanted to do was be out with friends. In the end, I ended up facetiming my friend (hi gaia!!!) and I immediately felt much better.

This when I was stuck by a semi-crippling realization: I’m terrified of loneliness. Like absolutely petrified of being left alone.

This is a fairly new concept considering the fact that I’m a relatively independent person, as in I spend a lot of my time doin my own thang ((does anyone still say “thang” anymore)), but for some reason the thought of being really alone, as in without people and without distractions, really freaks me out.

Have you ever just sat in bed with nothing to do and really just thought about how your life is going? If you haven’t, I can tell you that it’s unnerving.

So I sat for a couple hours with nothing but my thoughts, and it was weird. Not necessarily bad weird, but not really good weird either. I wouldn’t say it was meditative but kind of more reflective and accepting. I just sat down with myself and was real freaking honest. I took a bit of time to really think about what is going on in my life right now, and I think I needed this.

Right now, my life is going a bit crazy, and even though it scared the crap out of me, my sickness-induced-loneliness forced me to really think about how things are going right now.

To an extent, I think everyone should do something like this. Just sit down with yourself and think about your life. I’m not saying to plan solutions or throw your own pity party, but just to put yourself in a place of acknowledgement and acceptance.

Just some food for thought.

Love you alottle,
Tori

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