Last night, I had to say goodbye to three of my dearest friends. I know at heart that it isn’t goodbye forever, but it sure as hell feel like it. Saying my college goodbyes induced many tears (mostly by me, because I’m a huge crybaby), but we definitely made the most of our last night.

Let’s reminisce.

We juggled around ideas for how we wanted to spend the last night for the entire day. We eventually settled on dinner at an Italian restaurant. Dinner as always was swell! We spent the whole dinner laughing and chatting about high school mems and of course college.

I forgot how good it feels to spend time with good friends and put everything else aside. In case you can’t already tell, I have some high quality people in my life who I love so goddamn much.

We had a cute waiter who just happened to walk in at every awkward moment. And of course, the food was super yum.

After dinner, we went and got donuts from the Krispy Kreme next door. We then spent the next half hour trying to take the perfect insta pic with the Krispy Kreme neon sign, which is quite the feat. We definitely looked ridiculous as we used three phone flashlights and phone photo timer to finally get some dope pics.

There was a family that sat in their car watching us and most likely judging us, but, frankly, I found it quite rude that they didn’t eventually just offer to take the picture for us. Nevertheless, we got a few good pics and a few pics that will always make me laugh.

And yes, those laughing pictures are real. I was laughing so hard I had tears rolling down my cheeks.

We started to head home, but we could not just let the night end there.

We decided to go to a local park. At the time, it seemed like an okay idea even though it was almost pitch dark outside.

After walking around for a bit, we found Porky the Litter Eater. Porky is a part of everyone from my area’s childhood. At one point or another, Porky scared the crap out of everyone as a child. The way Porky works is that you put some trash in, press the button, and Porky tells you in a low, slow, and eerie voice, “Oinnnnnnk. Hi kids, I’m Porky the Litter Eater. You can me feed litter, soft drinks, or cardboard, but NEVER feed me bottles or broken glass”.

That may not sound that scary, but in the middle of a pitch black park, getting yelled at by a mechanic pig head is just about as scary as it gets.

We decided after that we had had enough, and headed out.

We didn’t know where to go so we just started driving. It started just by weaving through random neighborhoods blasting music and taking in our town before we all head off to college.

Then we had a great idea. Our area has some ridiculously wealthy people, like eight car garage houses with multiple teslas and extra housing for the help kind of wealthy.

I grew up driving past these houses as a kid and befriending some of the kids who lived in them. I never really thought much about it. We spent the next two hours roaming through some super wealthy neighborhoods. In all honesty, we looked extremely suspicious with our old minivan, which had a possessed radio but lacked fully functioning doors, as we slowly drove through neighborhoods blasting music and stopping to gawk at insane houses.

If you know me, you know I love to just drive. Getting to be in a car driving around some of the most beautiful areas, laughing with some of my best friends, and listening to good music is just about all I can ask for.

We decided to make a pit stop at my house, before we started saying our college goodbyes.

We laid on the floor of my basement and talked about all of the sleepovers and hangouts and drama that had gone down in my house. My mom is selling my house after I move after college, and considering all the memories it holds, I feel like like I’m selling a part of myself along with it.

We talked about college and how crazy it all feels. Eventually we had to start heading out to say our college goodbyes. Luckily for me, the driver Claire offered to drive me to my other friends’ houses and home, so I wouldn’t have to say goodbye first.

At each house, we all got out, cried, and talked about college and keeping in touch. We talked about being scared. We were all scared that we were just going to be downright lonely in college. I know everyone has these insecurities, but hearing them come out of someone else’s mouth makes it feel just a little less daunting.

In the end, we began to realize that the general fear that we each had was that we would go off to college and never really make friends, but when we came back on break everyone else would have had incredible friends and experiences, and we would just be left in the dusk. It’s not that we didn’t want each other to make friends. To feel alone at college sucks, and then coming home and also feeling like an outcast is just downright painful. (read about more of my college jitters here)

Saying my college goodbyes didn’t seem real. I kept thinking oh whatever it just like a long vacation, and I’ll see them soon enough. But that just isn’t true. All of my friends are going to colleges in completely different states. College is supposed to be a stepping stone to the real world. There is no guarantee that “the real world” will involve all of my closest friends being in the same vicinity.

In short, my heart hurts. 

I know for a lot of people high school wasn’t great. I’ve talked to so many people who hated their friends. I knew some people who really just put up with their friends because it was better than being alone. But I never felt like this. I cherish all of my friends because they are all strong, smart, and caring people who will do great things. I love them so so sooo much and I think that is why leaving hurts so much.

But to end with the cheesiest, but most accurate sign off— it’s not goodbye, it’s a see ya later.

Love you alottle,

(with infinite love for my dearest friends: Alexandra, Allison, Claire, Mishal, and Shelly)